Thursday, 26 August 2010
I'm pissed so this is a rant to whatever made me pissed in the first place.
Some days are up, some just down. Bear with me. :(
I seldom stay angry. I'm genuinely angry when it happens, though mostly angry on someone's actions rather than the person as whole.
Bad words are the norm for expressing pent-up frustrations. My blog, my space, I'll do what I like, you don't have to like what I do. Unless I'm commiting libel to someone, in which case they probably deserve it. It's easy to misuse blogging, it's like writing to the public with seemingly zero consequences.
My day was pretty fine and it was funny watching my classmates dance for the academic week competition.
And then came Commerce. I got the highest marks. I'd never want to be one who cries when they get "low" marks, but it's really exhilarating to be on top. Humans love power. It's part of why money is the root of all evils. It grants you power to obtain what you want and make others do your bidding.
Deep down, we all love to accomplish something and leave our mark in this world. Remember the quote, "We don't live forever, but our goal is to make something that will."? Some shit like that. We'll clamber up the ladder for success and fame, we're hungry for recognition. Heck, it's even included in Maslow's pyramid of human needs.
However, I am just plain pissed even though I've clambered to the top. I went up to get my paper. Students start clapping. Teacher asked them to stop and say that there's nothing great about me to clap about. That even though I was the highest it was too low. Tell that to those who failed.
Crap, I know you've got surgery but there wasn't shit of a lesson a month right before test so what do you expect? The duty of a teacher is to teach and you relinquished the right to demand when you've stopped giving. That's the best your student can give.
You can at least ask me to work harder instead of criticizing me for getting the highest marks in class which apparently wasn't high enough. That's the best you've got, sucker. I used to like her teaching, but after surgery she's just plain antagonizing like it's everyone's fault she has to undergo a surgery.
OK I'm exaggerating. But I can't help feeling victimized, YOU KNOW?
Next. During the dance routine rehearsal people kept correcting Mei Yen. Ding scolded her. Of course Mei Yen didn't like it. Jin Fye thought she was pissed at him or whatever and so asked her to switch places with Kwok Shien and stop dancing.
And then Mei Yen cried, and I skipped the lunch break to comfort her. But after the art competition when I needed her to listen me whine for a while, all she said was, "What?" after I finished ranting. I can spend the whole 40 minutes listening her rant and she can't even spare me 2 minutes? I hate it when I call her and she turns a blind ear. Am I that invisible?
I'm angry, but no I don't like shedding tears. They're too precious and it becomes shameful when you cry on something not worth your tears. I prefer verbal outlet, which is what I'm doing. My words cry for me. No just kidding. Or maybe try the physical outlet. Throwing pillow and ice cubes can be satisfying at times.
Art competition was pressuring and wore me down just before school ended. I don't think we're going to win. It's my thinking that if you don't have a fair chance of winning in a competition, the efforts are wasted. Simone was good with planning but she had a meeting and arrived late. I drew a lot because I draw the people and Fikri was just relaxed and criticizing shit I draw.
Fuck it all, fuck it all.
Um. OK. I'm not angry now. :)
I got highest for E.S.T, which was sweet. Was tied with a few other people but changed shortly after teacher corrected her marking. Muahahaha. Um. I think because she corrects a lot of student she often misses out on things. Like not looking into wrong spellings. "Satisfide" and "glomal warming" and "mischeif" went unnoticed. I think it's important to correct their mistakes. I mean what if they're stuck with the wrong spelling FOREVER?
Well. This marks today. It's holiday tomorrow. I want to try custard puff. Might be going 1U. Hmn. Probably not. Lots of people going there tomo.
I am really annoyed and feel like strangling all the antagonizing people in this world. Sometimes I turn into them, so absorbed in my own anger resulted from others that I spread this disease to others as well.
It's a vicious, vicious cycle that creeps up to us insidiously. And over time we just become inured to it, like growing thicker skins.
And my goodness. I cannot stand Dylan. Overbearingly cynical with a penchant for putting down others. He's witty, but it looks insecure when all his joke involves putting down others. Or maybe just me. Everytime, a rude remark. I cannot remember a conversation with him which doesn't have a part where he insults me. Nope, none at all.
I wish to go in peace now. I wish to forget about all this people who got me pissed. I wish to go to a deep deep well. I wish to feel weightless and floating, a part of my burden released.
What a matyr post. Will return to normal self soon. Well. Sorry if I've said something offensive involving you. But then again, if I did that, you probably did something offensive to me in the first place.