A PERSONAL RANT
Today during lunch with college mates.
I confessed I used to be strict with myself and I would cry because I was so stressed.
But- once I figure the workload never subsides but would only pile up,
I stopped giving 100% to college.
50% to college, 50% to myself, that I could do.
Surprisingly... my college mates confessed they cried because of the stress too.
Phew. I thought it was only me, because everyone else looked so fine.
Means I am not a weak spoilt motherfucker then ~.~
Well/ I have to let everything out.
1 in the morning and I woke up from six-hour nap with heavy thoughts racing.
I feel so trapped, like a puppet pulled in different directions- you gave me so many directions that actually I'm quite lost. Funny how you can be trapped and lost at the same time.
I think everyone is quite sick of hearing me complain.
Honestly... I am quite sick of hearing myself complain.
My friends have been understanding and encouraging- they told me not to give up, not to DROP OUT. They said I can do it.
I can, but I won't be happy. Quite stubborn with me is once I decide I don't like something, I'll always find the negative side. Because I know by instinct, what works with me and what doesn't.
I don't have time for family and my girls, let alone myself. People are always my priority. Not work.
I used to think I wanted to be a fashion designer, but what I really wanted was to own my own store.
So more to fashion business.
Even if I drop out, I won't give up on being in the fashion industry. It has and always will be a dream I had since I was a little girl. It's just.
I give up on TOA and how shitty it makes me feel. I don't know when but it started to become, "pay RM108k to let others treat me like bullshit, and to treat myself like bullshit".
Siet Yen say, I'd be wasting 18k for not getting the cert out of this. But. If I can't make it through the third year, then I would've wasted a fucking sum of 108k and honestly that it scary.
Yeah, scary. I think it's what that comes down to.
Scared that I'll lose myself.
Scared I'll lose everyone around me because assignments are my way of life. A slave to it.
Scared that one-hour sleep a day becomes reality. (and I don't even dare to laugh like it won't happen. come on, it's design and it's toa)
I suppose I'm too spoilt, yes. Because I was never brought up to deal with what I don't like. You know what the solution was? You don't like this, you move on another. I would only give up if I had something new to start.
Honestly design school gives me such a scare, I wonder if I can go start to working. Well, what my mum said was this- "when you're at school you tolerate teachers, when you're an employee you tolerate your employer, when you're an employer you tolerate your clients".
Hold it. Wanna marry a rich husband and that's it? "when you're a wife you tolerate your husband".
Reality hits. But the thing is. You get knowledge from teachers, experience from employers, wealth from clients, love from husband.
Yesterday I got a letter from TOA for being absent last week.
I think I'll be getting another letter next week.
Because I didn't go college yesterday. It's becoming a pattern, that somehow illness lands on every Thursday. My tummy was feeling odd and I went to sleep not bothering about it.
Next thing I knew I was hugging the toilet bowl like I had a hangover =.=
Thursday's class is French teacher's class. Mister Y was understanding and he gave his point of view. He says that when someone makes you too stressed, your body falls sick. So whenever it's their class, you get sick. No wonder there's this phrase- you make me sick.
I really really hate things controlling me and right now it's like TOA casting its huge net over me. Life governed by timetables and lecturers.
I keep thinking why I have to deal with this. Is it because I can't handle reality because I've been on holiday for so long?
Siet Yen said this course, it can be done if you have the heart. I don't know why I lost my will so fast.wtf. I am so confused I don't know what I'm blabbering myself.
Mister Y said I should talk to the French teacher. I did but it was only like few phrases before she left. She said something like we have to talk, but I am not quite sure. I can see when she asked me what I didn't come, she was thinking whatever reason I gave was bullshit.
I only told her I had tummy ache, I didn't tell her I vomitted. Because for some reason I didn't think she would believe. And so sad, this pattern. She would scold me, and I would get so stressed and fall sick. This is also what I'm scared of.
Eventhough I was really sleepy after college, (three hour sleep lol) I did went out with Xuan today. Because weekend comes, I really need to be with friends and family. Otherwise the following week I'd just be annoyed and trapped at how college made me lose the gift of spending time with people I cherish. !@#$%^
And of course I'm just thinking and thinking. What if dropping out of college would become something I'd regret? I know I want to build my own company, but how do I get there without qualification and experience?
And how do I tell my father, that I'd rather have the 108k used for college to start my own company instead? I need my dad on this because he's been through this. ... I keep thinking he's already 48 years old, I need to earn money to let him retire.
Three year couse is an uphill struggle, and first yeat is just the easiest. The beginning. I don't think. I can make it through third year. I'd rather. Start doing business. But. With business it's also stressful, just that you control your own company. I like. Having control.
So without degree you won't get high position. I mean with degree it's not even certain that you may get, so even worse if you don't have degree. Maybe I slave it off in a retail company to learn how it works before starting my own company. Because if straightaway straight company... margin for loss is hugeeee.
Since I always tell the negative side of TOA. I have to tell the good side as well.
There's always two sides of a same coin.
Good thing is my college mates, like we can really fit in together. I like how sampat I can be with them. The teachers, even though harsh- they do want to teach you, have the dedication to share the knowledge.
My god wtf come to think of it I haven't really been thinking too much on the good side of it.
Time to sleep, rant another time. RM18k is up till January.
Let's see if I'm in or out of Esmod then.